WILDSIDE
Well, '91's just about over and it's time to talk about one person
who meant a lot to me this past year--Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg. 
From his humble beginnings in a well-to-do Boston neighborhood to
his current status as "Vanilla Ice's favorite rapper", Mark did it
all in '91.  I think the best way to explore Mark's character is
through his own words, those delicious, vital, vibrant words which
are at the very core of Mark Wahlberg.


   "Wildside", by Marky Mark and the funky bunch.

The words that follow are his.  My thoughts will appear in
these thingees:  <>, camera shots in parentheses.

                  Act 1:  Annie
Aw yih
(cut to burning American flag) home of the free, HA <oh, that sneer
of his--what it does to me.>
(walking down a dark street with four black guys[The Funky Bunch.]
<That sneer of his, you just know that Mark *knows* these streets
inside and out.  It's clear.  The boy is *DOWN*!!> behind)
Lemme introduce y'all to the Wildside.  <Please do, you stupid
fuck.>
(sitting atop bleachers, no shirt, white towel<?!> draped over
shoulder, legs spread in a come-hither fashion, watching four
cheerleaders practicing)
Annie was a high school cheerleader <all right>
Pom-poms and bobby-sox no girl was sweeter <Jesse Jaymes gets the
credit for this rhyme in "Shake it like a white girl">
Come prom time everybody was on the line <naturally>
All the fellas singing nickel and dime <This line, I don't know, it
just works for me.  Call me crazy, but it does.>
Tales about love and lust and trust <internal rhyme, a bit
o'assonance.  Go for it, Mark, wow us all.> (rises, begins walk
down bleacher steps)
But annie took it all in stride <And a healthy stride at that.>
Cause deep inside <here comes a nasty couple of lines>
Annie had aspirations
Besides that, she had ex pec tations <With this rhyme(?), Mark
makes it pretty clear that he is no Donnie.>
(cut to Annie, peering under bleachers.  Outstretched hand dumps
into hers a few vials of crack and a pair of dice.(<!! Wonder if
<Marky directed the video as well?>)
Wanted to be a chemiCAL engineer <And why not?!  780-Verbal 800-
Math>
making 50 to 55 thousand a year <Chump change to the Markster.> her
first year of college was a SUCcess. <If a word just doesn't want
to fit, Mark will stomp on it till it does.>
But along comes Billy, possessed and obsessed <More internal
rhymes.  Think Mark reads Dylan Thomas?  Do not go gentle--into:
the WildSide.  Huh!>
He took Annie on a fatal date (cut to smoky beaker of chemicals)
and showed her things that made heartbeats accelerate
<Mapplethorpe photos, visions of the future in which Mark Wahlberg
is studied in 11th grade English classes, What?  You gotta be more
specific, Mark.  God is in these details.  But hey, like I need to
tell *you* that.>
Annie took a hit--read two short breaths<interesting construction
for a twit--let's call it a fluke> (beaker topples over, breaks!!)
One for life the last for death<Damn!  She did her hits in the
wrong order!  Poor kid.>
Now she's gone from a valedictorian <!!!! sets up a nifty rhyme,
reminiscent of noone so much as Lord Byron's Don Juan.>
Ended up becoming a topic for a story in <See?>
Washed-up dreams, shattered pride
All because Annie chose to walk on the Wildside.<That'll teach her. 
Leave walks on the Wildside to people that *know* the Wildside--
read, the Wahlbergs>      Ha!
(cut to Marky Mark and his bunch walking through cemetery to place
flowers on Annie's grave.) <And he *cares*>
(colored girls sing)
(wailing sax solo)
(the rain it falls)

                   Act 2:  Ron
Ron had enough of being broke every day <who wouldn't?>
Saying to himself there's gotta be a better way <Shoulda learned to
play them drums>
Cause 9 to 5 wasn't worth the headaches <He's right.  There's no
reason to watch this movie more than once, although that scene
where they're all stoned holds up pretty well.> (cut to a
frustrated Ron in car, wiping his frustrated brow)
So run figured out a faster way to make
Money<Is he gonna cut an album?> (cut to a hand placing gun into
money-filled briefcase)
Before you know it he's a rich man <It's just *that* easy.  Onna
Wildside.  Huh!>
Gold on every finger of his hand. <If you got it...>
A brand new BMW, a condo, <Watch the economy of these two lines>
Ron ended up a john doe.<See?  Just that easily, Ron's dead.> A
body was found but never claimed, <It's a hardknock life...> Full
of bulletholes with nothing to blame <My guess would be that those
bulletholes had *something* to do with it.>
Ron became another victim of homicide (cut to flat line on the
heart monitor) 
Because he chose to walk on the Wildside. (cut to Marky Mark, now
with that sneer.) HA!
(colored girls sing...)
(Mark and friends walk through cemetery, ambulance drives off)

                         Act 3:  Charles
Charles had everything going for him <He's a New Kid on the
Block??>
A top-paying job, a good wife, a baby boy on the way<Oh, I see
now.> (Charles places hand on pregnant wife's abdomen) any day A
gentleman attitude was all he displayed<??!! Mark can do what he
likes with the language.  He's an artist, dig?>
Carol was the wife he loved and adored <Watch this next rhyme> Her
family and friends treated him like an ambassador <ouch, that one
hurt.>
One night on the other side of town <The WildSide.  Huh!>
A police dispatcher picked up a weird sound <Weird?>
Charles on the car phone asking for help <A guy on 911 asking for
help.  Go figure.  That's just weird.  Too weird.  Ain't no way to
'splain it but weird.  It's just weird.>
Claiming a burglar shot his wife AND himself. <Watch this next
rhyme>
Charles' wife lay slumped Over
Dreams corrupt and a young life over <A perfect match!  5 points.>
Extensive searches throughout the projects <Watch this bit.> Put a
lot of people through misery and wreck<Huh??!!>
Everyone a suspect till someone was found <Except Mark.  He had an
alibi.  He was in the library, reading Blake:  O Rose, you lookin'
sick. Onna Wildside.  Huh!>
Interrogated cause his skin was brown <All right, so "Questioned"
might have worked better, leave the kid be:  I like
"interrogated".> Then there was Bennet, guilty until proven so <Odd
construction that.>
But soon as the case started moving slow (cut to Mark behind bars
!!?? Mark is down, inside.  And, onna Wildside.  Huh!)
Whaddayaknow--sure as the seagull is web-toed <Excuse me.  Metaphor
police.  Yeah, you got a permit for that simile?  Thought so.  I'm
gonna have to see your poetic license, you stupid fuck>
Charles was the culprit <Who woulda guessed?>
The whole thing was an insurance scam <The bastard!>
Charles and his brother came up with a plan <My favorite rhyme of
the year coming up, watch for it>
Kill Carol, collect the big checks<Next line>
Blame it on a black man.  What the heck?! <See the guard dog, do he
bite?! C I L L Kill my landlord.>
Just before the story was known
Charles had a feeling his cover was blown. (cut to man falling from
bridge)
So he jumped off a bridge--committed suicide <My guess is he heard
"Good Vibrations" on MTV>
And this is how it ends, on the Wildside. <Yup.>
(Mark and friends move through cemetery.  Colored girls sing.  Rain
falls. Sax wails. Mark tosses flowers on Carol's grave)
   
                             Act 4:  Tiffany, saddest of all Little
Tiffany, only thirteen (cut to boy on tire-swing)
Came to the city--place of big dreams<Well, it kinda sorta works>
(Girl plays hopscotch)
Visit her family and friends for the summertime
Sitting on a mailbox watching the boys climb
Trees, and the girls play hopscotch
So far, her vacation was TOPnotch
Out of the blue--a Mercedes at top speed
Gangbangers chasing
robins on a stampede (cut to guns being fired from a moving car)
Quick as a blink shots rang out <Hooray--the simile holds up> And
a hail of bullets zipped through the crowd (little girl falls over
backwards) <Watch this next bit>
One hit Tiffany--and instantly she died 
Innocently, on the Wildside. <Instantly, innocently!  Half-rhymes,
slant-rhymes, Dylan Thomas don't mean shit now!>
(flowers for Tiff.  Girls still sing.  Sax still plays.  Mark is
back on the streets.)