Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.butt.harp,alt.prose
From: richh@netcom.com (richh)
Subject: RICHH:  LOST IN TV HELL--EPISODE NO IDEA
Message-ID: <1993Feb19.000727.3124@netcom.com>
Followup-To: alt.prose.d,talk.bizarre
Organization: Netcom - Online Communication Services  (408 241-9760 guest) 
Date: Fri, 19 Feb 1993 00:07:27 GMT
Lines: 53

     So my brother goes to this salon and gets an expensive perm. 
I used the Ogilvie home perm.  Then we went out that night and I
wore a dress so tight it pushed my boobs up to my ears.  Well,
everyone commented on *my* perm but he didn't get a single comment. 
It was so simple.  I couldn't have overdone it; I couldn't have
underdone it.  I really really am a catty bitch.

     Then, we're all at a party when Carl picks up a piece of
cauliflower that was sitting in the veggie tray next to the dip. 
And he holds it up and says, in this real annoying voice, "Remind
you of anyone's malformed genitalia?"
     "That's mean," says Brenda.  "David can't help it if his DNA
is all fucked up and has elephantiasis as a result."
     "Maybe someone should tell him."
     "Tell him what?  David, you're a hideous freak of nature and
we all feel very sorry for you but you make us all very
uncomfortable and we don't think you should try to fit into normal
society, hey whatever happened to that job of yours at the
carnival?"
     "We could slip him a belt sander."
     "And a carpenter's plane."
     "And a band saw.  And a router."
     "I'll call Bob Vila.  And the Home Improvements guy."
     "Tim Allen."
     "Did you see last week when he tried to convert the upstairs
toilet into a bidet but forgot to tell his wife, who had eaten some
bad Mexican food?  Oh, the hilarity that ensued."
     There's a knock at the door.
     "David?"
     "Got any peanuts?"
     Brenda whispers to her friend, "Well, *I'm* going to talk to
him."
     "Hi David."
     "Hello.  Oops, excuse me."
     "Want a napkin?  Basin?"
     "No.  I'm fine.  Just tired.  Had a rough night."
     "You know, David, sometimes i think there's nothing worse than
a yeast infection, but is there anything that costs less than
monostat-7?"
     "Have you tried FemCare?"
     "You're a guy.  What would you know about it?"
     "Well, toots, I dunno how a car works but i sure know where to
dip the stick."
     "I--I gotta use the...I'll be back."
     She walks back to her friend, who says, "What's he like?"
     "He's really sweet.  And funny.  But he has no energy.  I
don't think he sleeps well.  For Christmas I'm going to buy him
this beautiful set of eider down pillows..."
     "You!"


RICHH