NEW GAME & MED-SCHOOL BREAK-IN "When I was in tenth grade," said Karen, "a bunch of us found this van in a parking lot. It was unlocked. We looked in the back and there was like a ton of videotapes. We looked at the titles. They were all porn. So we divided them all up and would meet every week or so at someone's house and watch theirs. Only this one kid, Alan, swore he had the all-time best one and he was saving it. He wouldn't tell us what it was, only that it was heavy on oral sex. Finally, we all met at his house. There must have been like twenty or thirty of us there, because we had all told our other friends to come by too, to watch this 'ultimate porno flick'. So it was pretty evenly divided between girls and guys when Alan announced that he was starting the movie. "We asked him what it was. He said he'd asked his older brother about it and he'd said it was super-hot. Alan said he hadn't even watched it yet, wanting to save it. "It's called 'Head Cleaner', he said, and started to play it. And sure enough, that's exactly what it was. "Ha." "Rich," said Karen. "Tell me something dumb Howard said." "Hey. Don't call me 'dumb Howard.'" "In eight grade, I played racquetball constantly. I was playing Howard one day and he noticed that much of the game was actually spent chasing after the ball, preparing to serve, etc. That you spent more time doing this than actually playing the game." "Ok..." Howard put on Hey Lewis. "Sports". Ugh. "So anyhow one day he mentioned this to me and I said, 'Yeah, it's funny you should say that. I read that they did a study, and you know how long an 'actual' game is?? Minus all the bullshit??' How long? he asked. Four seconds.'" "He bought it?" "Hook line and sphincter," Howard said. "Howard," said Karen, "I heard that if you stretch out your intestines end to end, it's over 500 miles long." "I heard that," said Maria. "And if you add up all the hair you lose in a lifetime--2 million tons." "Easily. People don't think..." Paul said, "On the average your heart pumps enough blood in an hour to fill a small non-decremental above-ground pool." "With sliding board!" Paul lit some hash in a bowl. "New game," said Karen. "We need a new one." "All right," I said. "I got this one off the net. From Inanna. It's called 'I think I'm but I'm really'. Her example was, I think I'm 'More than a Woman' but I'm really 'You're So Vain." "Hee." Maria said, I think I'm 'Life in the fast lane' but I'm really 'Truckin'." "I think I'm 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' but I'm really 'Love the One You're With'" "Ouch." Paul passed the bowl and said "I think I'm 'Scarborough Fair' but I'm really 'Glass Onion'" "Ha." "Okay, said Karen, "I think I'm Wagner's Ring Cycle but I'm really 'Wake me up Before you Go-Go." "Continuing that theme...I think I'm 'Ride of the Valkyries' but I'm really chopsticks" "Hey Howard, Dominus told me that ginger ale was less dense than water. And that a friend of his filled a pool with ginger ale. And he drowned. You can't float in it." "Fuck you digitally. By the way, I think I'm 'Little Red Corvette' but I'm really 'Slow Train'" Ellen said "I think I'm 'Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress' but I'm really 'Baby Got Back'" Pam, Paul's girlfriend, said, "You know those friends Paul and I had over last week?" "Sure." "Well, we were giving them the tour of Penn Campus. Took them to Franklin Field. I said 'This is the oldest two-tiered football stadium in the country.' Then Paul said--" "But I hear Harvard is trying to build an older one." He was pelfed with jetsam. "Paul," said Karen. "I heard you broke into the med school when you were at Penn." "That was second semester." Paul rolled a doob and lit it. "I had been spending most of my time--" "--on academic probation," said Karen. Howard silenced her. "Most of my time with a high school pal, Neil(his real name). It was a Friday night. We had spent the afternoon hollowing out a block of ice. We put in a bottle of Finlandia and kicked back. My room was littered with emptied Schmidt's tallboys, indecent low- angle Polaroids, assorted publications of the Yearling, and carpe diem." "Paul," interjected Maria. "In 'Blinded by the Light', what does he say in that one part?" "Cut loose like a deuce." "Toldja." "But Manfred Mann..." "He said 'Strung out Like a Douche' which is just silly, but it stuck because from douches it's just a short hop to tampons... Howard queued up 'Greetings From Asbury Park. [ Madman drummers bummers and Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat With a boulder on my shoulder feelin' kinda older I tripped the merry-go-round With this very unpleasing sneezing and wheezing the calliope crashed to the ground Some all-hot half-shot was headin' for the hot spot snappin' his fingers clappin' his hands And some fleshpot mascot was tied into a lover's knot with a whatnot in her hand And now young Scott with a slingshot finally found a tender spot and throws his lover in the sand And some bloodshot forget-menot whispers daddy's within earshot save the buckshot turn up the band ] Paul was allowed to continue. "So we're pretty tight by this time and Neil and I decide to some exploring." "Spelunking?" said Karen, uncrossing her legs. "Shush." "We wandered off behind the quad and found an open door to the med school. It was darker than it ever was. And later than it is right now. We walked in, thinking that we'd get stopped by a guard and politely escorted out at any moment. This never once happened. It was so cool. We just started going in and out of unlocked rooms, foraging for souvenirs. Neil especially coveted an aorta. Slowly we built up a cache of contraband. However, we could not get our hands on a human skeleton. We kept picking out items that we wanted and leaving them in small conspicuous piles in the hallway since we knew this a one-trip deal. Ever so often we heard footsteps and ducked into a doorway or an empty room. This was the same time Penn was getting a lot of heat for the whole abusive animal research thing and we were certain that we would get connected with that. Somehow." [ And she was blinded by the light. Cut loose like a deuce Another runner in the night. Blinded by the light She got down but she never got tight, but she'll make it alright Some brimstone baritone anticyclone rolling stone preacher from the east He says: "Dethrone the dictaphone, hit it in its funny bone, that's where they expect it least" And some new-mown chaperon was standin' in the corner all alone watchin' the young girls dance And some fresh-sown moonstone was messin' with his frozen zone to remind him of the feeling of romance ] "Pass me the salt n vinegar chips, How." He did. And filled a bowl. Paul continued. "Neil had his mind set on finding the morgue. This conjured up nasty Coma images in my mind." "Coma-Chameleon?!" "How, you used to work in a hospital, right?" "Yup. They called me 'coma ward Romeo'." "I used to be a gypsy," said Karen. "Shut. The fuck. Up." [ Yeah he was blinded by the light. Cut loose like a deuce Another runner in the night. Blinded by the light He got down but she never got tight, but he's gonna make it tonight Some silicone sister with her manager's mister told me I got what it takes She said I'll turn you on sonny to something strong if you play that song with the funky break And go-cart Mozart was checkin' out the weather chart to see if it was safe to go outside And little Early-Pearly came in by her curly-wurly and asked me if I needed a ride ] Back to Paul. "We found a laboratory of sorts and added three caged rats to our booty. We'd been in the building for some time now and were getting nervous. We formed an escape plan. First, we collected our assorted piles and decided what we could carry and what we would have to torch. I grabbed the rats. We both donned pairs of asbestos gloves(a good find!), and carried triple-beam balances, canisters of noxious dooty(a great find!), and Sony Trinitrons. Neil also had assorted shinbones, dangling from his waist like an evil tutu fringe-hula-skirt-thingee-deal-hookup. They clapped together as he walked, accentuating the preternaturally feminine sway of his ballast." "Where the hell did you learn to talk like that," queried Karen. "Eton." "No doubt." [ Oh, some hazard from Harvard was skunked on beer playin' backyard bombardier Yes and Scotland Yard was trying hard, they sent a dude with a calling card, he said, do what you like, but don't do it here Well I jumped up, spit in the air, fell on the ground, asked which was the way back home He said take a right at the light, keep going straight until right, and then boy you're on your own ] "So we made it back to the ground level, where we find our means of egress has been sealed off. Chained off." "Yikes." "Barangus!" "The search for a new exit provided us with the night's biggest catch--" "A cadaver!?" "We only wished." "Some Dilautid?!" "In your dreams." "A klein bottle?!" [ And now in Zanzibar a shootin' star was ridin' in a side car hummin' a lunar tune Yes, and the avatar said blow the bar but first remove the cookie jar, we're gonna teach those boys to laugh too soon And some kidnapped handicap was complaining that he caught the clap from some mousetrap he bought last night Well I unsnapped his skull cap and between his ears I saw a gap but he'd figured he'd be all right He was just blinded by the light. Cut loose like a deuce Another runner in the night. Blinded by the light Mama always told me not to look into the sights of the sun Oh but mama that's where the fun is ] "Good tune." "I think I'm 'Born to run' but I'm really 'Time'." "Time?" "You know. The Floyd song." [ Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way ] "Ah." "So no klein bottle, no cadaver, no dilautid, What did you--" "We found NITROUS! Lots of fucking nitrous. The motherlode. We each rolled a canister noisily out a cervix exit." "Cervix?" "Service. We made it to EARTH. then we bought like a zillion plastic trash bags. Only then did we head home." "Yowza." "The nitrous lasted all of a week, as we sold most of it for profit." "Back to the med school?" "Bingo."