FUN ON A BUDGET #1 There's this annoying ad for Staples office supply store on tv. I call up directory assistance, get their number, and give 'em a buzz. "Hello, is this Staples?" "Yes it is. How may I help you." Too eager to please. "I was just wondering how you came up with the name of the store. I mean, you sell staples, right?" "Yes we do. We're the one-stop off--" "Yes, I'm sure you are, but tell me. John Wanamaker's. Do they sell wanamakers?" "Well, I--" "Do you even know what a wanamaker is?" "I think--" "No, of course you don't. What do you make? Minimum? Less? Christ, you sound young, had your first period yet?" "Exc--" "Use tampons or pads? You know if you use tampons, no guy'll believe you're a virgin. Then you'll get a reputation and you'll never get married. And--" "I don't--" "Excuse me. I digressed. Now tell me, you sell file cabinets, right?" "Yes we do." "And you sell those little mail trays you put on your desk that say 'In' and 'Out', right?" "Yes we do. We're the one-stop--" But you don't call yourself 'File cabinets', right? I mean, that's a pretty stupid name. And you sure as hell don't call yourself 'Those little mail trays you put on your desk that say "In" and "Out"', right? I mean, that name really sucks." "Why, why are--" "All right, follow me here. What does a supermarket sell?" "F-food." "Good. Shit, you should earn more than minimum. Christ, I could have my old man put you on the payroll down here. . .Shit, what was I--oh yeah, food, right? But does the supermarket call itself 'Food'? Noooo. It's called a supermarket." "I-I didn't--" "Listen, I'd love to stay and talk to you longer, but I gotta go do something to my dog. You understand." "Waaahhhhh. . ." So it wasn't such a bad day after all. FUN ON A BUDGET #2 All right, so I'm in that video store on Locust Street, the Video Library, and I start wandering around. Well in the back they've got this TCBY place, which ostensibly stands for The Country's Best Yogurt. So right away, I'm pissed. I mean, how hip can yogurt be that they need initials? BK, KFC, Mickey-D's, these are relatively cool, but TCBY? Excuse me, I don't think so. There is nothing more pathetic than when something truly unhip struggles futilely to capture a bit of what they feel they're missing out on. I mean, what's next? N.K.O.T.B?? I'm gonna scream. So I walk over to the counter and I ask the girl how many calories could I expect to find in one of these here "Super Butt- Jammin' Colon-distendin' Yogurt cookie sandwiches." Now this is basically just a wad of high-cal "premium" yogurt sandwiched between two chocolate-covered cookies. Yup, just like those movies I like. She says she doesn't know. At this point I had the whole store to myself but rather than take advantage of the situation, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was a phone number--1-800-688-TCBY. They have their own info. hotline. Wonderful. So I bought a yogurt sandwich, slipped the girl half a five with my phone number on it(sometimes I am too slick) and got the hell out. Had a call to make. First, I put on this insanely fake hillbilly accent, for no apparent reason. "Hello, TCBY" "Yeah, I've got this here problem." "Yes" "Well, it's kind of hard for me to talk about. You see, it's my wife. She had her change of life not long ago and ever since, she been getting these here yeasty infections." "I see. I don't see how--" "Well, Dr. Macy, he's the local G.P., he told her that yogurt was good for yeast infections. . ." "Actually, he's correct. You see, the cultures in the yog--" Great. She's reading out of some pamphlet and thinks I'll just listen to her spiel then hang up. She's wrong. Dead wrong. "Yeah, I know, he told me all that. Only problem is, the yogurt tastes so damned bad afterwards, you can't hardly eat it. And you sure as hell don't want to be serving it to company. Y'oughta see 'em, pickin' little hairs out the bowl, out their teeth. Me and the wife, we just sit back and laugh. Well, I laugh. The wife can't laugh too hard or she lose her undergarments. Walking ain't something she real good at, neither. But you know, I ain't had so much fun under the covers since, well, well, since I don't know when. Yeah, she some kind a woman. Hello? Hello??" "Bluurrt-snorrrt-glurrgle" Yeah, it was shaping up to be a good day. FUN ON A BUDGET #3 As luck would have it, there's that commercial on tv that I hate, where the guy is debating on whether or not to buy an engagement ring for his girlfriend. At the end they allude to a "Diamond Council of America" and some mysterious "two month salary guideline". I look in the yellow pages and find the number for Robbin's Eighth and Walnut, who have their own annoying commercials ("Robbin's Eighth and Walnut. Our name is our address.") Some guy answers the phone and he's way too cheery. I am sickened; so sickened now. "Robbin's Eighth and Walnut. May I help you?" "Yeah, I was wondering. I've been hearing about this 'two month salary guideline'. The commercial said you could explain it to me." "It's actually just what it says. Calculate how much you would earn in two months and that's a good guideline to use in deciding how much you want to spend on a ring." "That's it?" "That's all there is to it." "No. There's gotta be more to it than that. Why would they tell me to ask you to explain it to me, if that's all there is to it?" "It's only a commercial." "It's fucking patronizing, you fuck. So waitaminute, I'm making 3.50 an hour--that's 140 a week, four weeks in a month. Yeah, some months I get three paychecks. What do you know about that, MR DIAMOND COUNCIL OF A-FUCKING-MERI-FUCKING-CA??!! "It's only a guide--" "No. This is starting to really bother me. Now February only has 28 days. Shit, I forgot leap years. Fuck. Well, screw it. In a normal year I'd get paid 4 times in February. That's 140 a week times 4--that's 560 a month--times that by 2 and that's 1120. Eleven hundred and twenty dollars to buy my girl a ring. But if I take two Julys--I got 5 paychecks this July--that's 5 times 140 is 700 times that by 2 is 1400 that's 280 more than the first way. Now what do you have to say to that, Mr. Diamond Council of America smarty fucking pants?!" "I don't have to take this abuse." "No, I think you *do*. Now you, you probably make a lot more money than me. Hey, that's cool. I got no beef with that. But that means that when you times *your* salary by two months you're gonna be buying *your* girl a way better ring than me. Now I don't fucking think I like that too much. Do *I* love my girl less than you? I don't think so. So how come *my* girl has to walk around with some piece of shit 11 hundred 14 in a leap year ring when *your* girl has some big ole rock on her finger?! How do you think that's gonna make my girl feel?! Well!!? Well??!! Answer me, you fuck!!" "I-I'll let you talk to my manager." "Hello, what seems to be the trouble?" "I just didn't like the tone of voice that other guy was using." "Of course, sir. We've had problems with him in the past. It will be taken care of, I promise you." "Thanks." Click. FUN ON A BUDGET--ANIME DIVISION I went into the Video Library(40th & Locust) and asked the guy if he had any tapes of Japanese anime bloopers. He looked puzzled for a few seconds, the flustered, then very disturbed. He said, "W-wait here. Lemme ask the manager." They both came out from the back. The manager said, "Anime *bloopers*??!! Are you sure?? That's about the darndest thing I ever heard." "Really. My brother told me about it. The title was 'The Best of J.A.B'" "Yeah," said one of the employees there, a tall, skinny guy with black hair and bad skin. "I think I heard of that..." "It's supposed to have stuff from like 'The Wandering Kid', and 'Akira'." "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't we have that?" "You can order it, right? I heard there's this out-take from 'The Wandering Kid' where this girl is being raped by some huge, tentacled thing. And you can very clearly see her stop screaming and take out her gum and out it behind her ear." The tall guy laughed and said, "Yeah, yeah. I heard about that one." Someone said, "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Bloopers? Anime?? Akira??? Don't you realize--" I interrupted, "Yeah, but they're still *characters*, don't you see?" "Well, I--" I said to the tall guy, "Could you put it on hold for me, then? Thanks." He started writing on a slip of paper. "'Best of J.A.B., right? I *know* I've seen that. Maybe at the TLA." "Well, in any case, I gotta run. You got any new amateur porn?"