DIAMOND COUNCIL OF AMERICA As luck would have it, there's that commercial on tv that I hate, where the guy is debating on whether or not to buy an engagement ring for his girlfriend. At the end they allude to a "Diamond Council of America" and some mysterious "two month salary guideline". I look in the yellow pages and find the number for Robbin's Eighth and Walnut, who have their own annoying commercials ("Robbin's Eighth and Walnut. Our name is our address.") Some guy answers the phone and he's way too cheery. I am sickened; so sickened now. "Robbin's Eighth and Walnut. May I help you?" "Yeah, I was wondering. I've been hearing about this 'two month salary guideline'. The commercial said you could explain it to me." "It's actually just what it says. Calculate how much you would earn in two months and that's a good guideline to use in deciding how much you want to spend on a ring." "That's it?" "That's all there is to it." "No. There's gotta be more to it than that. Why would they tell me to ask you to explain it to me, if that's all there is to it?" "It's only a commercial." "It's fucking patronizing, you fuck. So waitaminute, I'm making 3.50 an hour--that's 140 a week, four weeks in a month. Yeah, some months I get three paychecks. What do you know about that, MR DIAMOND COUNCIL OF A-FUCKING-MERI-FUCKING-CA??!! "It's only a guide--" "No. This is starting to really bother me. Now February only has 28 days. Shit, I forgot leap years. Fuck. Well, screw it. In a normal year I'd get paid 4 times in February. That's 140 a week times 4--that's 560 a month--times that by 2 and that's 1120. Eleven hundred and twenty dollars to buy my girl a ring. But if I take two Julys--I got 5 paychecks this July--that's 5 times 140 is 700 times that by 2 is 1400 that's 280 more than the first way. Now what do you have to say to that, Mr. Diamond Council of America smarty fucking pants?!" "I don't have to take this abuse." "No, I think you *do*. Now you, you probably make a lot more money than me. Hey, that's cool. I got no beef with that. But that means that when you times *your* salary by two months you're gonna be buying *your* girl a way better ring than me. Now I don't fucking think I like that too much. Do *I* love my girl less than you? I don't think so. So how come *my* girl has to walk around with some piece of shit 11 hundred 14 in a leap year ring when *your* girl has some big ole rock on her finger?! How do you think that's gonna make my girl feel?! Well!!? Well??!! Answer me, you fuck!!" "I-I'll let you talk to my manager." "Hello, what seems to be the trouble. I just didn't like the tone of voice that other guy was using." "Of course, sir. We've had problems with him in the past. It will be taken care of, I promise you." "Thanks." Click.