Newsgroups: alt.butt.harp Subject: RICHH: MY BROTHER--LOVE LIES Message-ID: <1992May4.230052.5909@tigger.jvnc.net> From: richh@tigger.jvnc.net (RICHH) Date: Mon, 4 May 1992 23:00:52 GMT Sender: news@tigger.jvnc.net (Zee News Genie) Organization: JvNCnet, Princeton University, NJ Originator: richh@tigger.jvnc.net Nntp-Posting-Host: tigger.jvnc.net "Rich, don't I just want to be completely and totally honest with Karen so that she will fall in love with the real me?" I almost hit him. "No no no no no no." "But--" "You do want her to fall in love with you, right?" "Uh huh." "Well then, you're going to have to be sneaky about it. You have to make yourself into her ideal love object. I'll be blunt. You're gonna have to lie your ass off." "How?" "You really wanna play hardball?" "Yup." "Try this. It's risky, but if it pays off, it pays off in a big way." "What, what?" "Try this. On the back of one of your notebooks write over and over again her first name and your last name. Then leave it oh, leave it lying around. Or in her dorm room, but that night be pushing it, just a tad," "This works?" "It's a battlefield, Howard. Your only weapon is your mind. You're gonna have to do some things you might not be too proud of, but if you follow my advice, you can accomplish the greatest, highest achievement this planet allows us." "Love?" I could have hit him. "The complete control of another human being's mind. You will pull all the strings. All the power will be yours." "You're starting to scare me, Rich." "Good. You should be scared. It's a scary thing, power." He was hooked. "So what do I do?" "I'll give you an example. You remember when I was seeing Alysse?" "Jewish girl? Nice legs?" "That's the one. Now I met her at a stand-up comedy night here in town. So what do we know, right off the bat?" "Um, well--" "Think about it. Young, privileged Jewish girl. Likes comedy. Who's going to be her favorite director?" "Woody Allen?" he answered. "Precisely. And her favorite Woody Allen film?" He thought a moment. "Annie Hall?" "You're okay. So, armed with this knowledge, here's what I did. She saw an ad for a local airport that was running an offer to go skydiving. Give them 200 bucks or so and you get to the skydive. Now I had absolutely no desire to skydive, right? So she says to me, 'You're just chicken.' I say, getting my line together, 'I'm what?' 'You're chicken,' she says. 'You're just a chicken' "Now here's the killer. 'So what if I am,' I say. 'My family needs the eggs.'" "What'd she say?" "Nothing. She just looked at me. But I could tell the gears were turning. Now you see, I could really care two fucks about Woody Allen, but you see, she now thinks that not only am I a big fan of the pretentious, once-funny,would-be artiste poseur JUST LIKE SHE IS but that I've also memorized most of his dialogue, JUST LIKE SHE HAS. See?" "Did you?" I only wished I had a gun. "Are you nuts? I rented 'Annie Hall' the night before. Worked out my line later that night. If she hadn't fed me the straight line I had a couple back-up plans worked up. . ." "Back-up plans?! Worked up?! You're some kind of monster." "Ouch." "I'm sorry, Rich, but I'm only a freshman. I've got four years to become as jaded and cynical as you." "Double ouch." I had taught him well. "All right then, back to Karen--" "She doesn't like Woody Allen." "That's okay. What's her favorite movie?" "I think she likes old concentration camp footage." "Hmmm. This could be tricky." "I know she saw 'Rain Man'. I think she liked it." "Perfect. Now what is the best part of Rain Man'?" "I don't know." "Come on. Think. The one part that really got to you, that made you just go 'Wow'? "When Tom Cruise is teaching Dustin Hoffman to dance?" "Bingo." "But what if that's not Karen's favorite part?" "Howard, just trust me, will you?" Kids. Sheesh. "Okay." "You know what to do?" "I think so, yeah." "We'd better practice. I'll be Karen. You be well, you know." "Karen?" said Howard, in just that right 'Please Listen to me what I'm about to say isn't easy and I want you to listen because I care about what you think' voice. "Yes, Howard." "What do people say to you about me, about my brother?" "That he's an asshole, that he hurt a lot of people at school here, that he still does, that you're just like him, that he teaches you how to manipulate people, that you two actually practice--" My voice was quavering. I dredged up an emotional memory and let the tear roll down my cheek. "It hurts me when they talk about you like this. I--I don't know what to think. I know Rich. He doesn't seem--" He touched my arm and wiped the tear away. "Karen, I want to tell you something about my brother." "Okay." "When I was a junior in high school, I wasn't real popular and it really depressed me, especially since all my friends were popular. You know how high school is." "Oh, Howard." "Well, one of my friend's older brother's was getting married and a bunch of us got invited to the wedding. One of the people that got invited was Lisa Howell." "Wasn't she the first--" "That comes later. Can I go on?" "Please. But come here." I opened my arms. "I want to hold you. You look like you need to be held." He leaned back against me and continued. "Well, I had been worshiping this girl since about junior high. I mean, I was completely obsessed." "She's the one that looked a little like me?" "Uh huh. Anyhow her dad owned this dance studio and she helped him teach some of his classes there. Well, I knew that at the wedding every guy was going to want to dance with her. I only knew that I wanted to be the one to sweep her off her feet." "Well, my brother was already in college by this time and had taken a class in ballroom dance to fulfill a phys ed. requirement. I straightened up. "Go on." "I was lucky cause he was home on break that week and he seemed to just know what I was thinking cause one day he comes into my room and says, 'Howard, follow me.' Only he doesn't do it like he's doing it just so I can get over at the wedding. He sneaks it in on me. He says, 'I'm taking ballroom dance up at school. It seems kind of faggy, but it's okay. A lot of fun, really. And the babes really go for it.' Then he puts on this record and starts showing me the boxstep! I couldn't believe it. He said it was his personal project for the week to make me a dancer. We practiced in the living room, under the skylight." "Just like in Rain Man," I said. "Huh?" "Just like in Rain Man, the movie." "Never saw it. Can I finish, please?" "Go on. I'm sorry." "Well, so the wedding comes around and sure enough, every dance there was a different guy trying to slowdance with Lisa, holding her close and pawing her. I just watched her. She looked really depressed. Finally, I got up the nerve to ask her to dance. She just said 'Howard?' like she didn't know me from Adam. Then she put her arms around me like I wanted to dance like everyone else. Only I took her one hand and put it on my shoulder and put mine on her waist and then took her other hand in mine and then, and then she looked up at me with those big brown eyes and smiled and, and--" "What?" "Then the room just disappeared. It felt like we were flying. After that, she would only dance with me. Through three waltzes and two jitterbugs. When I got home my brother was waiting up for me. And then--" "And then?" "And then I met you, Karen." "You really love your brother a lot, don't you?" "It hurts when I hear people talking, that's all. And yeah, I, I--" "I know. I love him too." I started tickling his ribs. "For helping to make you so perfect." "Hey," he laughed. "Cut that out." "You're good, Howard." I said. "That bit about the skylight was an inspired touch." "Thanks. Think it'll work?" "Oh yeah, just be careful." "Huh? Oh, you're right. I mean, what if she asks me to teach her how to dance or something." "Good point. Next week, dance lessons." "Really?" "From 3 to 5 in the afternoon. "Thanks, Rich." "Not a prob." But I didn't think he was quite ready yet. "Howard, have you played the 'what are you thinking' game' yet?" "The what?" "Oh come on, Howard. You know what I mean." "Yeah, we have." "Who started it?" "Well, she did." "And did you tell her the truth?" "Of course." "Oh no." "I didn't know. I thought you were supposed to be totally honest with the other--" "Howard, listen to me. Do you want this one to last or what?" "Well, yeah." "Well then, tell me what you told her then I'll tell you what you should have said." "We were in bed, right? She asked me what I was thinking. I said, 'Honestly?' She said, 'Yes'. So I went for it. I said, "You know how soft and white your skin is right here, along the top and inside of your thigh--" "Good start. Very good indeed. That have the right effect?" "Oh yeah, but then I added, 'Well I was just thinking that Nicole Kidman's skin is this soft all over, so I was imagining how soft *she* was right here." "Oh no. You poor kid." "I fucked up, eh?" "No shit. Nicole Kidman's that redhead from 'Deep Calm', right?" "Yeah, and 'Days of Thunder'." "Well, it could have been worse." "How?" "You could have told her what you wanted to do to that Pizza Hut four bucks girl." "Oh God. Well then what should I have said?" "Ask me. I'll be you. You be her. Pretend we just had sex and now we're heading off to sleep." He looked deep into my eyes. "Howard," he said. "What are you thinking?" I feigned a little embarrassment. "I--No, I can't." "Tell me." "I can't. I'm embarrassed." "Tell me." "All right. I was just thinking that I kind of like Christopher as a name for a boy. Molly or Sarah for a girl. Sebastian is nice too." "I love you," he said. I pretended to kiss him. "You're a weasel," he said. "You're learning." RICHH