WHAT ALFREDO LIKES

Alfredo likes a woman who knows what she wants. Alfredo likes a
woman with a  good head on her shoulders; with two shoulders, and
a head; with two small  heads and one big shoulder, right in the
middle;  with Head and Shoulders in  her bathroom; with numerous
shoulders, both external and internal; with  absolutely no
shoulders whatsoever--only knees--lacking shoulders I must have 
knees; with large, broad, burly shoulders that can bear my weight
after I have  inhaled more than my share of nitrous oxide. Alfredo
is not unreasonable.  Alfredo likes a woman who wears a tennis
skirt to a funeral, just because.  Alfredo likes a woman with fire,
she must have fire.  And not just any fire,  but rather one started
by a wayward, errant, yes we can say it now, slaphappy  cow in
Chicago:  I believe you know the fire of which Alfredo speaks.
Alfredo likes very few women.

                         MORE ALFREDO

Alfredo is not a man to use a woman simply to satisfy his own lusty
and  unspeakable desires.  No, it is not for his own pleasure that
he makes them  submit to the most tortuous and distressing
humiliations.  Rather it is for the greater glory of everyone that
Alfredo must relentlessly pursue this agenda of  self-
gratification. Confused you are?  Why does Alfredo sound like Yoda
from  time to time?  These are all valid questions, none of which
I will answer. I prefer to talk about Alfredo. Alfred is a man who
crosses his t's twice.  Why, you ask?  Alfredo would rather not
say. I hope this gives everyone a better understanding of Alfredo.

                 STILL MORE ALFREDO
     Alfredo is a man who has seen many things.
     Through his *eyes*.
     Yes, Alfredo did that.  Why, you ask, should *I* care
about Alfredo??  What, you say, does Alfredo mean to *me*?  I
choose not to say.  I prefer to talk about Alfredo.  Alfredo is a
man who wears chaps to a tubal ligation, because he *can*.  Alfredo
is the man who, without even realizing it, changed the dietary
habits of a nation.  
     When Alfredo walks, he *walks*!
     Alfredo once built a hovercraft using only a vacuum cleaner
motor and some paper plates.  It did not work.  
     Alfredo, as you may have suspected, is cosmopolitan.  He is
also fluent in all of the romance languages, *including* jive. 
Alfredo is a lover, yes, a bon vivant, true, but he also is a
world-class GO player.  He has been known to travel thousands of
miles for a high-stakes game of Go-Moku, or quoits.
     Alfredo has a dark complexion and dark habits.  He has been
known to drop a large piece of dry ice into a toilet in a public
lavatory, groan loudly, then leave laughing.  Alfredo is famous for
his wit.  
     And his victory garden.
     Alfredo prefers Monaco to Vatican City, Corfu to crystal meth,
and Mohammed to runny omelettes.
     I think we all of us know an Alfredo.